My Battles with God.and Self - A story of my life

In some ways the worst thing you ever did was the best thing you ever did. In some ways the best thing you ever did was the worst thing you ever did. Life is topsy turvy like that. You can forgive yourself. You can accept yourself. You can love yourself.

Nithya Shanti

I was a teacher by birth probably. When I was in Class VII, I remember my classfellows coming to me to ask queries and take help and I used to thoroughly enjoy the process. They would also ask for ‘important questions for exams’ and what I would tell would often be part of the question paper.

Childhood memories-Early lessons in humility

I was always a school topper as far as academics were concerned. Besides academics, I had a huge range of accomplishments ranging from debates, writing election speeches, skits, poetry, compering and so on. I achieved too much too fast which made me full of pride. At the tender age of 12 I saw my name appearing in leading newspapers as ‘Balkavi’ (child poet) with selections from my poetry. I still remember the swelling with pride and elation on one occasion when the girl I was madly in love with in school, came over and congratulated me for winning a classic wrist watch as a first prize in academics. I became the uncontested school PM on reaching secondary level. It was a golden period in my life in terms of achievements but I was emotionally and spiritually blank.

Life has a way of making you aware of its funny contradictions. In Class V, I stood first in academics and yet failed in Drawing subject as I could not draw a simple lotus flower (I have special affection for lotus now). Sometimes I had heavenly personal life and hellish professional life and at other times I had heavenly professional life with hellish personal life. Sometimes I was silly, to befriend only beautiful and intelligent girls in the class, and at other times I made a fool of myself in romantic emotions.

Parents told me to take my own decisions regarding electives at school and career options and life thereafter. It taught me decision making at an early age though I felt that I was missing out on the parental advice.

I was too scientific in my thinking, had a chemistry lab right in my house and rejected God as unscientific. There is a famous couplet;

As a rule, man is a fool,

When it should be hot he makes it cool.

When it should be cool, he makes it hot,

Always doing what he should not.

I believed,

As a rule, God is a fool,

When it should be hot, He makes it cool

When it should be cool, he makes it hot,

Always doing what he should not.

The trials seemed never ending

In Class XI, moving to commerce meant my classfellows were lesser sound to me academically. Once my English answersheet was shown to the entire class which was full of quotations and my satire on ‘Mera Bharat Mahaan’ (My Great India, a campaign launched by Indian PM Rajiv Gandhi) got me a prize. Despite my academic brilliance, I have been a romantic fool and my prime motivator for getting into MBA was my childhood flame. The ten year old romance came to an end during the MBA days when my marriage proposal was turned down. I started withdrawing into my shell.

After academics, my career also saw ups and downs too fast, when Cadburys failed to keep its Corporate Marketing promise and Sage Publications gave survival allowance rather than salary. And then came Sahara TV’s offer which made me feel settled for few years. I worked as Executive Assistant to GM-(Finance, HR, MIS & Admin). Life was moving in a positive direction.

The turnaround

People come in your life for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime. My shift to Pondicherry came soon in a state of new married bliss. Soon I was on top of the world with a small child in my arms and a highly satisfying teaching job at ICFAI.

But Pondicherry also turned out to be temporary relief. ICFAI got into recognition troubles and I was forced to shift to Dehradun city. I started working on my PhD and spiritual transformation in early 2007.

Buddhism and dramatic change in attitude

2007 was a landmark year and the foundation of permanent peace was getting laid. My doctorate was on fast track. Both personal and professional lives were moving in positive direction again. In 2008, I submitted my PhD thesis.

In 2009, destiny had shocking plans. While I was applying for jobs only in South and West India, I was forced to shift back to Delhi due to lack of options. Soon I started seeing the hands of God behind everything that had happened. I was in love with Delhi again, reuniting with old friends, getting in touch with relatives again and so on. My life has changed in so many ways.

From blame game to acceptance-The first and most important thing Buddhism taught was to stop blaming others for your problems and start accepting things as a manifestation of your own cause and effect. Many people may doubt this theory but it gave me peace of mind.

From cynicism to maturity-I used to believe that it is not possible to keep everyone happy; to be good in few relationships you had to ignore some relationships. With experience, I changed this thinking. Though it may be difficult to meet expectations in relationships all the time, but you have to try doing your duty in all your relationships.

From defeatism to winning-Buddhism is all about winning as my mentor says. I have become a positive and optimistic person and put in my best to win in every situation.

From karma to prayer-I used to respect work as worship and had low respect for prayer. But I realised it only meant that I had more faith in my own efforts and lacked faith in God.

There are still many areas in my life which need to be put back on track but I am now filled with hope and I have all the energy required to fight with those challenges. I remember the dialogue from the Hindi film Apne ‘Fight with life with your gloves on. Hit it before it hits you back.’

I still battle with God and recently wrote on Facebook,

“Even a mother feeds her child, when the child cries. Even God comes to your rescue when you get up one day and say, 'Enough is enough. Now you have to put an end to my never ending struggles.'

So, do not suffer in silence, learn to assert in life.”

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Dr Amit Nagpal is a Personal Branding Consultant with a holistic touch. To know more about him click here:-
http://www.dramitnagpal.co.in/p/about-us.html
He may be reached at amitknagpal@gmail.com