Offbeat Jokes

 Offbeat Jokes (By Dr Amit Nagpal)

The husband told his wife, "You love me with lower consciousness, that’s why you are insecure, jealous, possessive...My love is of higher consciousness, that’s why I love you and all the women.....and of course all the men of the world."

He is crying, his beloved Dog has gone to the God. I am crying, my beloved God has gone to the Dogs.

She has brought so much light to my life that I think I need to apply the sunscreen

Yes my dear I love you, at least I care for you, when I forget to care, I mostly give you a call, even when I forget that, I do come home and say goodnight (frank message from husbands to wives)

God created a woman and then fell in love. then had a doubt, can god marry a human? While God is still wondering man is blundering.

3 rules of traditional Indian companies
Rule 1 Boss is always right,
Rule 2 If ever in doubt refer to rule 1,
Rule 3 When you become the boss get the best out of the above 2 rules

Fortunately man evolved from monkey, but some people behave like monkeys, forgive them.......they are still evolving.

We have developed powerful silencers for the vehicles, but our minds are always making noise

Badminton player has got into spirituality. Having lot of confusion. The problem is "Love All"

In the ancient India, there was a stress release room called Kopebhawan (room for sadness). The kings and queens would go and break glass bottles and do such things to release their stress. The way we are moving, will we have Corporate Kopebhawans in the future????

Workaholics Anonymous welcomes all work addicts who have lost all relationships because of work, pressure has taken all the light away from their mind and work gives them a kick but everybody else has kicked them out. Welcome, make a fake identity on Facebook and we will provide emotional support.

Facebook dear, for a change ask what is in your heart and soul, I am bored of answering what's on your mind!!!!

My dimples hide my cheeky side, my twinkle hides my manhood, my smile hides my fears, but lo my hair refuse to hide my huge brain anymore

A Life with Wife
Her sweet smile became my inspiration
Her blush in public became my perspiration
Her delicate femininity became my desperation
Now days begin and end by drop/pick up at metro station
And day in and out bringing jewelry and household ration

Softee, soft skills, software, soft copy, soft marketing, soft corners..... Why does this increasingly 'hard-hearted' world has more and more 'soft' in its vocabulary? I wonder

The society has four genders today; male, female, masculine female and feminine male. So let us not stereotype.

Times change and so do meanings. After the release of the film 3 Idiots in India, my students are proudly claiming' "Yes, I am an Idiot, Proud to be...."

Language can be so funny. He had lot of pimples on his face, so his fiance nicknamed him 'Pimp'. Poor guy.

HMV Music CEO has resigned.. Many people are vying for the post..... I think I should call it Musical chair.

Inspired by Gandhi, but a bit more complicated, "My book is entitled-My Experiments with Complete Truth, Ruthless Frankness and Brutal Honesty"

Employer's promise; We pay 20 % more salary than what you deserve, but how much you deserve, we only know.

The joke of the day, "The one who has reached the ceiling of his career has no desire left for a fan following"

My student kept on talking. Gave her few hints. Finally I lost my patience, "People who talk too much, are very enthusiastic.. are bubbly personalities ...........But the bubble bursts."

The student was reading the novel in the class. The teacher shouted and said, where is your mind?. The student got startled and said, Gone with the wind.

Life is a ninyanve (99) ka pher or the trick of 99. When we get a salary of 9999, we want one rupee more to make it five digit. When we get 99,999, we still want 1 rupee more to make it six digit. And Obladi Oblada life goes on.

The interviewer asked, "What is your favourite fruit?" Pat came the answer 'Apple'. What is so special about apple. Most controversial fruit, Life began because Adam ate the apple, Newton discovered gravity when he saw apple falling. Apple computers added further trouble when people had to wait in queues to buy Apple i pods. Man FELL in love when the woman became the apple of his eye.e

I like to be ruthlessly frank and I love people who can be ruthlessly frank with me. I came across a bus in NOIDA which was ruthlessly frank, message at the back said, "ye to aise hi chalegi" (this bus is going to run like this only) take it or leave it.

Two men look through the same bars, One sees the mud, one sees the stars.......Well practicalists like me, believe in seeing the front........Stars are too far and mud too dirty,......I am a simple man, no brunt, no stunt

Optimists find thorns have roses, pessimists find roses have thorns, practicalists (like me), "Pluck the roses and enjoy them without the thorns."

It does not matter whether the glass is half full or half empty. When you are over with the glass, order another. Cheers

The contradiction of our times is
while computers gain artificial intelligence, humans loose natural intelligence
humans are becoming robotic and robots are becoming humanly
There is an increase in pre-marital sex and post marital unhappiness

All that glitters may not be gold but all that glitters is easily sold

I was practicing the power of visualization and I imagined myself as a lion king. Oh my God even my cough sounded like a roar.

The sales manager was tired of listening to the statement "Sir sales is in the pipeline". He got fed up and said "Which end of the pipeline, front end or back end"

My Chairman told me, "Amit you can write a book on OFFBEAT jokes." I said, "Sir, if I go OFF on a one week holiday to do that, don't BEAT me up."

The interviewer asked me, "What is your long term goal in life?
I said I aim to become 'The Complete Man' who is still a 'Naughty Boy'

What is the difference between Line and staff manager?
The wife is the line manager with direct control over husband & children and husband is the staff manager with only advisory function, (the head of family responsibility without any authority)

I had an argument with Mahatma Gandhi yesterday night in my dream. I said I don't believe in 'Practice what you preach' That's too godly and superhuman for us teachers. I believe, "Preach and I shall be forced to practice' Gandhi had a naughty smile and walked away.

The FFM team (Fault Finding Mission) or audit team was after my blood. I was told that students have copied the assignments. I said I have caught some of them and have failed them. But WHEN YOU GO FISHING YOU DON'T CATCH ALL THE FISH.

I told my childhood friend, "I have brought two bottles of red wine from Pondicherry. You have a choice, you can either take the old wine in unbranded bottle or you can take the new wine in branded bottle, which one will you take". He said, "Please don't take my stress interview, I am not your student"

"A group of donkeys led by a lion will win over a group of lions led by a donkey." I told my student in the stress interview. What do you want to be, a lion or a donkey, I said. He said, 'Donkey' I could not continue with the stress interview for obvious reasons

Body is pulling me to matter, soul is pulling me to spirit, my heart has got emotional in this tug of war. My naughty mind is watching and analyzing the tamasha (melodrama)

Rats desert a sinking ship. Moral of the story-If you want to get rid of the rats, sink your ship

If you regularly put your foot in your mouth, one day you might loose your teeth


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